Weight: 115.3 lbs. WTF. I think I'm retaining water, however, 'cause I didn't drink enough yesterday and my face and hands feel puffy. I'm expecting tomorrow to be better. Hopefully back under 115.

Also...I only slept 3 HOURS last night. Every time I don't sleep, I weigh MORE. FUCKED. I think it relates to water retention? Who the fuck knows, I'm just making excuses 'cause I'm a ginormous fat cow.

As soon as I'm done this show, Imma fast on Monday and then do a juice fast Tuesday, less that 300 cals wednesday, juice fast Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed.

The only difficulty I anticipate is Friday night when I normally eat dinner with the hubby. I may have to figure out a convincing alibi.

Breakfast estimated total: 240 calories
Whole Wheat English Muffin: 140 calories
non-fat yogurt: 100 calories.

This means absolutely no food at all today until after I dance tonight. I will likely have a few celery sticks beforehand so as not noto be all limp and lackluster but ca c'est tous! Tonight I'm having sashimi and salad and edaname (my hubby is taking me out for my b-day so I gotsta eat sumphin, I suggested sashimi since it's easy to pick at and say "this one doesn't smell fresh" etc. to avoid eating too much)

Lunch: raw veggies and dip: 200 calories

Dinner estimated total: 317 calories
Miso Soup: about 40 calories per 250 mL, or 1 cup serving
Sashimi: The average 1/2-oz. piece of fish (the standard sushi/sashimi size) has about 15 - 25 calories and a gram or so of fat. (so 12 pieces = 300 calories, I'll only pick at 6 = 150ish)
Edaname: A 1/2 cup serving contains 127 calories, 6g fat and 4g fiber

Estimated total calories for the day: 757
FUCK

Reminder of weekend plan:
(Sat) early day- dance class at 10am downtown.
Breakfast: Egg whites and veggies.
Lunch: Salad no dressing w/ Tuna
4pm- show
Dinner: Salad with some protein, no dressing.

(Sun) Sleep in.
Brunch: Egg whites and veggies.
4pm- show
Dinner: Salad with some protein, no dressing.

I had a big fucking salad at 1pm and now I feel fat. I want to cry. I know it's just a salad and that calorie wise, I'm sitting at maybe 300 cals for the day but I feel SOOOOOO guilty and fat right now. DISGUSTING.

Fuck. I mean, I know I needed food for dance tonight but really, fuck. Why am I such a fat disgusting pig.

I need to really hunker down if I want to be skinny. This is fucking rediculous- I know I can't pass out while I'm dancing but COME ON.

FUCK. I'm SICK.

Thinspo, thinspo, Thinspo. I am newly obsessed with Agnes Deyn. Yeah, I know I'm so behind the times- she was the 'it' girl like 10 months ago. Whatever. LOVE her look.

So, it is hillarious to moi that after fasting for 24 hrs. on nothing but water and green tea I actually GAINED 1/2 a pound. LOL.

Oh well, I've always found that eating very little seems better as a weight loss tool for me vs. not eating at all. Not because I binge. I don't generally have a problem with binging, the worst thing I do is eat something- never a lot. I just seem to retain water or something when I don't eat. meh. Whateves. It feels good to be empty anyways, just fucking angry about not losing. I'm just under 115 lbs. I want 105 lbs. for Halloween please. 10 pounds in 2 weeks...geh, it's hard for me to see those kind of numbers.

It's 12:30 here and I've yet to eat, had some black coffee this morning (2 cals) but I do need to get some food before I leave today as I have a LONG LONG dance rehearsal and don't want to pass out/seem listless (sp?).

Yeah, I'm going to write again today. Meh, work sucks and I need the distraction.

So, last weigh in was 114.4 but I did not check this morning. I had too much to eat last night (salad, small yogurt, piece of bread and then *shudder* couple of bites of ice cream). I really want this fast to take off at least a pound, but with my luck I'll gain. Seriously, my body is fucked.

I'm having nothing but water and green tea until tomorrow morning, then I'm going to have (THURS) some egg whites with veggies for breakfast, salad with only green veggies for lunch and then some celery/boiled egg/lettuce etc. for a snack before my solo rehearsal (I passed out last time..oops)

Fridays are hard 'cause I always eat dinner with my hubby and therefore can't obviously restrict. ALSO, I have dress rehearsal that night. (He knows I used to be ana and is always watching). (FRI) For breakfast on Friday I'm going to have Green Tea and some V8 juice. Lunch will be a salad with mostly just lettuce and green veggies. Dinner will be AFTER dress rehearsal and will be sashimi and salad and Edaname.

This weekend I've got shows, so I need to eat enough before so that I don't faint.

(Sat) early day- dance class at 10am downtown. Breakfast: Egg whites and veggies.
Lunch: Salad no dressing w/ Tuna
4pm- show
Dinner: Salad with some protein, no dressing.

(Sun) Sleep in. That goodness, I've been so tired lately.
Brunch: Egg whites and veggies.
4pm- show
Dinner: Salad with some protein, no dressing. Oh yeah, Sunday is my birthday. fucking older. great.

Mon: FASTING- only water and green tea
Tues: 300 calories
Wed: Fasting 'till band rehearsal because I have to eat a piece of Pizza in front of hubby and bandmates.
Thurs: Juice fasting
Friday: Green Tea and some V8 juice. Lunch : salad with mostly just lettuce and green veggies. Dinner :sushi roll (nothing fried) and salad and Edaname
Sat: 500 calories
Sun: 250 calories (salad for lunch, then soup at dinner)
Mon: FAST
Tues until Sunday November 1st ---Juice Fasting.

November 2nd: Oh- I didn't tell y'all about my treat day for November 2nd- assuming I keep to my plan with no cheats AT ALL 'TILL then. Pasta with lobster cream sauce- oh god yes. I'll have to work out like crazy the next day but that's okay.

So I suppose this would be day 1 of my first public pro-ana blog. I should introduce myself or explain somewhat who I am and how I got here. Names aside, I dance professionally and also sing in a punk band. I've had issues with food (fuck you food!!) for years, at least partly owing to the fact that I am hypothyroidic and have a great deal of difficulty losing weight. (This is not an excuse, dear Ana, just an attempt to contextualize where I came FROM). I've 'recovered' in the past and I'm not interested in doing that again, so don't lecture. Been there, got fat, done.

So currently, I'm 114 lbs. I know, it's disgusting. My first goal weight is 105 lbs. I would ideally like to be there by Halloween but I realize that that is unlikely- so we'll do our best and leave it somewhat open-ended. I would like to be 100 lbs. by Christmas this year.

So, dearies...that's me in a nutshell (like a fatass like me could FIT In a nutshell. HA!)

Today is a fasting day, I'm having green tea and water. It's going just fine.

Strength to you lovelies.